Midday Musings

She saw him at the Caltrain station. Apart from putting on a few pounds he hadn't changed much. As he boarded the northbound train she followed him and boarded the train. She sat down after two rows in the opposite side so as to keep an eye on him. As the train whistled her mind drifted back ten years.

Leela was a small town girl. She lived almost 50 kms away in a suburb of Kolkata. She had spent twenty three years of her life in this not-so-small but not-at-all-glamorous town. She was bored of her surroundings, her life, and her existence. Her job as a teacher in the local elementary school added to the boredom. She wanted to escape from it all and she dreamed of her escape every moment. And then one day her means of escape appeared in the form of an eligible bachelor her father had chosen. The man had completed his PhD in the United States and was soon to become a faculty member in the university where he was teaching. The man's educational qualification earned the father's approval and his residence in the US earned the approval of Leela. What better chance of escaping all the drudgery of this place, she thought to herself. Within a few weeks the marriage was fixed and Leela happily moved base.

She saw him standing up, getting ready to get down at the terminal station. She followed him at a gap of two or three people till he crossed the road and headed towards downtown. She followed him with her eyes and then took the southbound train back home. At home her husband was worried.

"Where have you been?"

"What do you mean where have I been?" she snapped. Then in a calmer tone she said, "Actually I mistakenly took the northbound train and didn't realize until I was at the terminal station."

"See that's why I am always so worried about you. You should be more careful and more alert."

"I know I know. It was my mistake. Now stop treating me like a child."

"I am not treating you like a child. I was just worried…and your behavior and actions sometime force me to treat you like a child."

"Ok ok. I've had enough of your lectures." She walked into the bathroom and slammed the door while her husband heaved a sigh and tried to concentrate on his paper.

The next day she went to the station again around the same time. She looked around hoping to see him. Then she saw him coming. He walked past her and stood at a distance waiting for his train. She walked up to his side with a thumping heart and said, "Remember me?"

He was startled and turned his head to face her. His eyes searched her face and then a faint smile flashed across his face. "Leela?"

"Yes Amit…You remember me. How are you?"

"How could I forget you? You do look different though."

"What are you doing here?"

"I work here. I live in the city."

She couldn't take his calmness and his distance anymore.

"Why didn't you contact me? I sent you so many letters. Why didn't you write back?"

"What do you think I am? Don't I have any dignity? Don't tell me you expected me to contact you after knowing me for all those years. I may not have a PhD but I do have some self respect. And did you really think I will contact you after all that you did to me?"

"Amit…I want you back in my life Amit. I made a mistake. Please forgive me…"

"Its too late Leela…I am getting married in a month."

"Oh…Who's the girl? Does she know about us?"

"Us? What us? You mean the us that I was fool enough to believe in? There was never any us between you and me Leela. If there's any us it's between me and Anita."

"But you don't love her. How can you love her? You love me. I still love you Amit. I have always loved you Amit."

"I loved you Leela…not anymore. Remember how you handed me your wedding invitation? I tried so hard to hate you Leela, but I couldn't. And yes, you are probably right," he said, "I probably don't love Anita…probably not…definitely not the way I loved you…"

"Then you shouldn't marry her…you can't marry her…"

"Why not?"

"Because no marriage can survive without love you fool…"

"I was a fool ten years back. I was a fool to have loved you the way I did. I have had my share of loving Leela. I no longer want to love, I want to be loved. And Anita loves me..."

Amit looked at Leela one last time. "I have to go now…" With that he walked away from her.

Leela tried to call out to him but her voice was choked with tears.